A Day to Remember

Today's a heavy one, folks. But, it has a happy ending so I encourage you to read on if you like that sort of thing. I haven't posted in a while. For lots of reasons but mostly because we moved back to the states and stopped traveling and I started working again and then I got pregnant (three times) but more on that later. I know that October is Miscarriage Awareness Month, and specifically, October 15^th is Miscarriage Remembrance Day. I know this because I’ve had two miscarriages. I’m sharing my story to honor the two babies we lost too early, but who will always be in our hearts.

For those of you in the know, you also know that I am currently 25 weeks pregnant with what I already imagine to be the most beautiful and lovable and precious baby boy. This is the silver lining, people! A little something to get us all through the rest of this heaviness. I feel beyond blessed every day, every second really, to be carrying this magnificent gift. He is our special son, and we love him more than we could have ever known was possible and perhaps, even a little more than that.

Though we didn’t arrive to him easily, I have never been more sure that things really do happen the way they are supposed to. Because of what we have suffered, we will love this little guy a little deeper, cherish him a little more thoughtfully, and relish in all his splendor to the last of our living days. It may seem morbid to want to focus on our past losses while we are preparing for such a wondrous event, but a funny thing happens when you carry a child you won’t get to meet. You become a mother, and even when that is taken away from you, and even when you have grieved all you can and you move on, there are still little places in your heart where a couple of little souls live on, who are very much worthy of remembrance.

We lost two pregnancies, one at 9 weeks and the other at 11, within 7 months of each other. The sadness and helplessness in your heart, the guilt and grief in your bones, and the overwhelming fear of a lost future is enough to cave in your soul. It’s all so brutal and so very much to bear. I have the greatest empathy and respect for women who go through infertility. It is a lonely and often private heartbreak that isn’t discussed much, which is why I feel compelled to just put it out there. 

This is our story and it ends with hope. I can’t tell you how many google searches I ran to find just this type of entry when I was in the thick of it. I want to let people know that there can be moments of peace and hopefulness amongst all the worry and pain. And that you should never give up, although this is not a trait that women who want to hold a baby possess. They are warriors. They take the biggest blind leaps of faith, they sacrifice their bodies, and they do so with so much love in their hearts.

This day is for all of them, for all of us, who have dreamed big dreams and had to watch them shatter, incapable of changing nature’s course. And it’s for those of us who pushed our way through it all to arrive at some semblance of peace. I found mine in a group of women who came together every week to share a little bit about the tiny souls in their own hearts. Through this weekly appointment, I gathered up the courage to keep trying and before I knew it, we were blessed with another pregnancy. Nothing will prove life’s serendipitous nature more than having a dream come true, just as you have given up hope. To all my fellow warriors, your day will come too. There is no one more deserving.

But most importantly, this day is for all those beautiful souls who never came to be. Today I remember my two sweet babes, who we loved from their very inception, and who we will love until there is no time left. You both taught me what it means to be a mother, and you paved the way for your brother, who we are ever so grateful for. Without you, we would not know him, and I promise that we will honor you all, forever.

Happy Two Thousand Thirteen

2013, I think you're going to be a good one.

As we close the book on our adventure in Asia and pick up where it all began in San Francisco, we have so much to be grateful for, a few things that we will be glad to leave behind, and so very much to look forward to. I belong to two families full of people who make my world a better place. I have friends from every corner of the world who have made my life more rich and more fun. I have a husband with whom I've traveled the world. Christian, you have quite literally, given my heart wings, and for that I am eternally grateful.

My wish for all of you who I am so blessed to know: I hope 2012 was kind to you and yours. But more than that, I hope that whatever left you short in 2012 is what propels you to your greatest heights in the year to come.

A Very Conway Christmas

Christmas is one of my absolute favorite holidays. The onset of colder weather, the tree-picking and adorning, the lists of presents to buy for your favorite people, the peppermint tinged and cinnamon scented delights that are begging for space in your belly. But on top of the traditions and rituals, the star on the top of the tree for me, is the sense of reflection the holidays invoke. It's the time of year to think back on the year behind you and look ahead to the year before you. It's a time to feel gratitude for the wonderful bits you were witness to in the last twelve months and to let go of the not so good things that may have made your boots a bit heavy. It's a time to release and recharge, and you get to celebrate it all with good food, family, and presents. It's not hard to imagine why I love it so much.

We landed back in the states a week or so before Christmas, which meant that we were be able to spend our very first Christmas in Maine. Every time we stay with Christian's parents, we have such a great, relaxing time. They don't call it Spa Conway for nothing! We're always warm, we're always full, and we're always slightly sleepy. My mother-in-law is the ultimate hostess. I always leave in awe of her, and this time was no different. Just how does one take care of so many people all while tending to pots on TWO stove tops that are boiling and sizzling with something delicious? Don't ask me, ask Susan. Her name is synonymous with all the warm and cozy things you associate with "mom". You better believe I know how lucky I am that I have TWO ladies in my life that fit that bill.

Our days in Maine were spent visiting family, eating, playing with Phoebe in the Conway's picturesque yard, eating, and taking turns cooing at our newest family member. We enjoyed a great meal out courtesy of Christian's little brother Jamie and his wife, Lisa. Sharing a couple hours with these two was a luxury we aren't often afforded, so it was especially wonderful to have that time with them. Thanks for the lobster mashed potato experience, guys! We've got your "room" all ready for your visit to SF.

Phoebe enjoyed herself so much that she has been in a funk since we returned to California. We may have to seek professional help. During our time in Maine she had the run of the house. She was treated to constant pats and treats, training exercises with Auntie Lisa, two tufted ottomans to doze on, and a yard full of snow and deer in which to frolic. Come to think of it, Pheebs, I don't blame you. We all wish we lived at Spa Conway.

Auntie Ria and Uncle David hosted a cocktail party that included lots of sushi despite Christian's best effort to tell everyone I hate sushi (I don't!). I have a feeling that this raw fish scandal - let's just call it "sushigate" - will live on infamy and I will spend the rest of my days proving just how much I love the rice and seaweed wrapped delicacy. And all because Christian just wanted pizza!

One of the best Christmas surprises was meeting our new baby niece, Amara. Whitney and Edwin welcomed her into the family in November, so she was every bit of precious that a six week old baby is. All big eyes and sweet baby skin with a soft spot for books (she's a genius!), she is an 11 pound ball of delight. I know all babies are special, but I happen to believe that Amara was blessed with a little something extra. She is an absolute angel and we are delighted for Whitney and Edwin, and so grateful that she is here.

Christmas Eve was spent at Spa Conway. Jamie and Lisa and Susan spent several days prepping a "feast of seven fishes" that was absolutely spectacular. My job was to dress three long dinner tables for our 18 guests. With Susan's tutelage and Lisa's assistance, I was able to bust out a pretty nice spread that took me a mere four hours to perfect. Welcome to my obsessive little world, Conways! Our feast started with tuna poke and some sort of avocado salad with tuna belly a la Jamie and Lisa, both of which were absurdly delicious. Then we all sat down to a light meal of spinach florentine with haddock (or maybe it was cod?), squid linguine with tomato sauce, clam linguine with a garlic butter sauce, fried shrimp, crab cakes, stuffed lobster tails, and so much more.

Sitting there with a full belly on the eve of Christmas (also the day my sweet husband was born), I looked around the room and couldn't help but think how fantastic it was that I had landed here with all of these incredible people. I feel grateful to not only know them, but so fortunate to also call them family. Their traditions run deep and now, I have been gifted a place beside them in that history. To the Conways and everyone in between, you are just the knees on my bees. The cherry on my sundae. The icing on my cake. Thank you for one incredible Christmas.

For the whole week in pictures, head over here.